I shall not be a burden

I have resolved that for the whole of my life, I shall never be a burden to anyone. Even when i'm totally incapacitated, I will find some way to bring benefit to my family and my loved ones.

These days I feel out of my luck. Bad things or just things just don't seem to go my way, just keep happening. I just feel so vunerable and stressed. I began to see how people can go crazy, how they can have mental breakdowns. Today I got my cheque for my tuition class. $180. I thought I was getting $270 but it turned out to be $180. Crap. My purse just got tighter. And I began to ask myself. What is my next step? Get another tuition job? How can I make ends meet without taking money from my mom?

And something struck me. At the deepest pits of despair. I know I still have much to be thankful for. But I'm just scared. Doubtful if I would able to deal with life if life has anymore of such episodes. Yes and as I was saying, something struck me. I can't keep feeling sorry for myself and being stressed over it. I shall not be a burden. Not to anyone. I must be a "useful" person. Zhuo ge you yong de ren. Someone that people can depend on and not depend on others.

And so if I'm getting $180 per month, and if I do not stay in hostel, can I survive? Yes I will survive. Use $60 for transport and $40 for handphone bill. I still have $80 for food. And I shall use this $80 to survive. As much as possible I will come home to eat and thus $80 would be enough. I will survive this. This is a time to test my will and myself as a person. That is why it happened when my gal is not with me. Because I know she would be worried and she will try to help me. Not that she is in US, I have a chance to go through it myself. And I will grow stronger. For myself and for my loved ones.

Don't worry Dear. I will be fine. I have money. Just that I want to make sure I only use what I make. To develop the discipline that I foresee that I need in the days to come.

Wish me luck folks...